Over the past week, I have been grappling with an ending friendship with someone who I care deeply. There are two things that have caused me difficulty. The first was the text message where the friend said I was ruining her life and someone elses we know. Unfortunately, I don’t know what either of them are talking about. It put me in a tail spin. Then, to also have to deal with this friend’s first loss of a family pet, and watching her sorrow over a pet that has been there most of her life. It has been very gut wrenching to watch this friend grieve for her pet, and not be able to do anything.
I spent a day evaluating what was going on, and have accepted that the friendship was over when she sent me her first text message. I am sorry she choose that way to say this, but in the message, it was clear that she wouldn’t trust anything I would say — her mind was made up. This other person said I was ruining their life. Whether true or not, it was immaterial. As far as she was concerned, this was her decision. In the day afterward, there is only one thing I could say, and I know she wouldn’t understand what it really meant. One thing that I never say is “good bye”. Why? It is so permanent and final. This was from the first time I lost a friend to death, and only those in death or those who I never expect to ever see again is when I say “good bye”. In all other times, I say “Until later…” or “I will see you… ” and the time or place I will see them again. I also say “good bye” to those people who I care about in their caskets at their funerals. So, by saying good bye, I am saying a lot. Unfortunately, like I said, very few people understand this meaning, even those who are close to me. My wife and daughter are very keenly aware of this meaning, and I think they are the only two who really understand it when I say “good bye”.
As for the friend, she chose to stand by someone else who says I am damaging their life, and continue to do so. In reality, after trying to figure out where this is coming from, I have figured out that this is one or a few things. The first being that this other person gets to play the pitty act, and bolsters their position with it. If I am hurting them, I am being mean and selfish, right? Unfortunately, I am not being mean and I have avoided that other individual for almost a year. If anyone associates with them, I work to separate myself from them. How could separating myself from their activities be hurting them? It shouldn’t. I am no one special or important in this world. I also get the feeling that it is a way that this other person thinks they might try to control me. If they hurt someone who I care about, then I will fold and change my ways to keep them from being hurt. My view point is that anyone who plays this type of game is a terrorist, and I won’t negotiate with terrorists. If anyone ever does this to me, they should consider me dead and lost, because I never want them to cave into someone’s demands like this. Unfortunately, too many people do cave in, and it does establish some power and control to that unscrupulous individual. The last thing this does is allow the friend to do what they want – her sense of obligation would allow that other friend to take out his anger with me on her, and she would willingly accept it and feel obligated to accept it.
In trying to find out what is going on, I have found out that the other person has had several set backs in their career. So called rejections when there had been acceptance in the past. Add to this that the persons own choices and actions have been influencing others. I have even been told that the person has been spreading what he says I have did (while telling others I did it). This is in addition to slams to my character, and don’t really care because I know time will bear me out because what that person is saying is contrary to who I am. And, to make matters worse, I don’t care what that other person thinks.
What kind of conclusions do I have? I have to sever my friendship and go on with life. Not an easy thing to do. I won’t let someone else who I don’t care about to control me or my life. There are too many other things to be focused than this.
In time, the emptiness that this action creates will be filled.